I told myself I wasn't going to write about any of this. I committed to prayer, healthy grieving, practicing self care, and getting through it on my own, alone. Or at least I thought I did ... because now here I am ... doing what I do, writing.
The last few months my heart has been broken over, and over ... AND over again.
On October 18, 2018, after four in a half years, my relationship suddenly ended. Now I know what your thinking, "Girl you remember the exact date?" Yes, unfortunately I do. When your heart breaks, your mind won't let you forget. Especially not with the way things came about. No warnings, no signs. It seemed as if we were finally getting this whole relationship thing down, or at least I thought so. Little did I know I was in for a big surprise. I remember the phone conversation that day. We went from discussing the next steps for our relationship to him suddenly calling it quits. Just like that ... now imagine that conversation. I couldn't help but feel like I had been in the dark for a while. How long was he feeling this way?
I accepted the break up. I questioned a lot of things. Of course I was hurt. It didn't really make sense, but I decided to put my big girl panties on and look ahead. I had to figure out my next move. At the time my dog was living with him in another state. I thought, let me bring my dog home to be with me at least. It'll be just me and him like old times. So in the matter of one week, I found an apartment close to work that allowed dogs and signed the lease. On October 25th, my dog had to be put down. He was attacked randomly by our bigger dog in the backyard. The vet tried everything they could, but there was nothing they could do.
My already broken heart was breaking again ...
I remember asking God why this was all happening to me so suddenly. They were my family for all of these years. Things replayed over and over in my mind until I just needed answers. I can't explain the feeling, but my spirit just wouldn't rest. I wanted to know what his reasoning was for breaking up with me. It happened so randomly. Now, our relationship had its fair share of ups and downs. Things were NEVER perfect. We'd been through a lot together. It was strange though because we just had one of the strongest years of our relationship. We both were growing and maturing. So out of ALL of the times to leave, why now?
I questioned him for answers ... every time he gave me a reason I listened but my intuition said "Nah, there's more." All of the reasons he gave me were things we could have at least discussed prior to. We were friends more than anything. Since when can't he talk to me? By this time, when I tell you I was so accepting of the break up ... I REALLY accepted it. What I couldn't accept was the confusion. I need clarity on things, confusion is not for me. I'd let it go for a few weeks and focus on my healing. But my intuition would not let up.
Mid December I finally got all of the answers I needed. There's no point in me writing out the details. Those don't matter so much. I mean they do, but they aren't the main reason for my pain. What cut deep are the lies and the longevity of those lies. As I mentioned, we'd been through many things within our relationship, but we were always honest with one another. Honesty, I can handle, I can respect. The lies hurt more than anything.
The Truth Hurts Once, But A Lie Hurts Forever
To Be Continued ...
Photo Credit: Jasmine Webber